On the Yartzeit of a Child

Question:

Almost a year ago, I lost my child. I watch the world moving along while I am left behind in the memory of her and of what could have been.

Now the first yartzeit is coming up. What is that supposed to mean to me? Where do I take things from here?

Response:

A first yahrtzeit is two things:

It is a time when the soul of the deceased soars to a yet higher place above—and she can do that best with the help of those she has left behind in this world. And it is a time of closure, when the period of mourning must stop, when life in this world must go on.

It must go on, because just as a river must constantly run downstream to escape stagnation, so a human being must ever grow. To stand still is to allow the events of this world to dictate how you must feel, when you may celebrate and when you must continue to mourn—until life itself is fettered to turn the perpetual millstone of mourning, the future ever overtaken by the past.

To grow is to say, "I've made that journey already. I have been there with all my heart, body and soul. Now let me continue downstream and discover what wonders life yet holds."

After all, why do we mourn death, if not that life is so precious? And you are a young woman with so much life to give, to nurture, to celebrate and to receive nachas. This life as _____ ______ happens only once. Don't lose that opportunity to be _____ ______.

Life is for eternity, this world for but a fleeting moment. Yet for this moment now all was created.

Wishing you much joy in your life and much nachas from all your children,

All names of persons and locations or other identifying features referenced in these questions have been omitted or changed to preserve the anonymity of the questioners.

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21 Comments

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Bruce June 22, 2023

I am so sorry for all your losses. It is almost 3 years since losing our son David. The daily suffering is boundless. Now my wife has heart disease and I have cancer. My family name is rare and may perish too along with David. This Chabad post just came a few days before his birthday.

He drove recklessly and perhaps was taken before hurting someone. My nurse's brother died from fentanyl and he horribly suffered for a week. Our David died painlessly. I just help train NJ medical personnel to prevent this major cause of death. Also I just stumbled on a folder with many pictures and videos of him. Very painful and happy, like a visit...Anytime my memories are good I am glad. Reply

Paula Neidorf February 2, 2022

It has been 3 years since we lost our only child, 28. I had just turned 70. We have no grandchildren. Most of our immediate family is gone. Most untimely losses. Most rules of religion have no meaning anymore for me or my husband, and there is no comfort, since or son died. The new reality is we are alone, with no legacy. Most people do not want to be around us in our pain. It makes them too uncomfortable. We do what we want now, and no longer feel we have to look at Jewish law or custom/tradition. I got a tattoo to commemorate my son. We put flowers at his grave because it makes us feel better. No one should ever dictate to a grieving parent. It is the absolute life shattering death one can experience. Reply

Kevin COLLINS Bondi Junction 2022 June 22, 2023

in response to Paula Neidorf :

Only a parent who has lost a child can fully understand your state of mind. I had a 18 year old son who, while playing indoor soccer, simply dropped dead. That was 32 years ago. He was my middle child, he had an older brother and a younger sister. No clever doctor can tell me why. The grief never goes away. My family unit became extremely dysfunctional and fell apart. I cannot understand why I have been punished. I tried to understand why. So I went looking for G-d. I went to the Kotel. Nice view but no G-d. I climbed Mount Sinai, nice view but no G-d. I went to Mount Nebo, again nice view but no G-d. On another trip to Israel I went to the Kotel on Tish b'Av. There were thousands of Jews in the afternoon wearing our tefillin. It was truly a wonderful religious experience but once again no G-d. I used to be orthodox Jew, I still am but my faith has been questioned. Some of my dysfunctional family are lost to our religion.
Running out of space - see next reply Reply

Kevin COLLINS Bondi Junction 2022 June 22, 2023

in response to Paula Neidorf :

If you read all the comments written in these letters, they are all the same - continuing grief, loss of belief, We know that death is so final - everything or anything cannot be changed. We alone know what it is like to miss a person. What I did was, I wanted his name to never be forgotten on Earth. If somebody in the future was 'searching' there is evidence that my son had lived. I arranged that my parents were buried alongside him so that he would never be alone in the cemetery. I enrolled his name as a Guardian of Jerusalem; I purchased a star in the sky which is named after him; I purchased a yahrzeit plaque in our Synagogue; I purchased a brick in the pathway of dreams built in the Olympic Games site of Sydney Games. But with all this I am very emotional labile. To cope I ensure that I get a good night's sleep so I can cope with the day - taking one day at a time. I have grandsons whose name is John. My dear friend, just find a different way to remain in remain in our religion. Reply

Paula Neidorf June 22, 2023

in response to Kevin COLLINS:

Yes, all so true. We try to hang on to what we know, but this kind of loss is so indescribable. I keep trying but it is not an easy pathway. Reply

Anonymous October 9, 2018

Fourteen years ago I lost my first child to cancer. My heart is in the cemetery with him. The Compassionate Friends helped a lot. Only someone in the same position really knows how it feels. Tapestry magazine is also amazing. I am fortunate to have a wonderful rabbi and rebbitzen who are 1000% chesed. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without them. The best medicine for me has been other than anti-depressants and good friends is being outdoors and being busy. I also constantly look for ways for others to remember my son. He was so wonderful- I don't want him to be forgotten. Whether it is giving tzedakah in his memory, hosting a kiddush before the yahrtzeit, listening to the kind of music he liked, baking his favorite cake to take to a meeting of TCF or just talking about him.My shul family has been and continues to be wonderfully supportive. We had a Torah written in his memory but I want to do more than that.
Reply

Robert Valley Cottage February 7, 2019

in response to Anonymous:

It is a club in which no one wants membership. To lose a child is truly to lose a piece of ourselves. Think of the joy of the birth, the pleasure of growth, the molding of a personality and the reflection of what could have been. No one can share our sorrow, our pain, our loss, and our despair but for some other helpless soul who too has been tortured with the suffering of burying a child. So, where to go with all the weight of darkness? Into the light, where else. But how can we manage to even think positive thoughts when our hearts beat with a sound that echoes emptiness? Simply stated, because that is the only direction in which to go. Acts of kindness in the name of our lost child. Charity in their name. Being the best parent we can be to our other child or children. And trying every day to remember that he or she is with Hashem, in a place reserved only for the best of us. And to thank Him every day for the time we had, the smiles and the love. In memory of my Rachael Reply

Katrina Anderson Fort Lauderdale June 3, 2018

Death of a child Helen, thank you for sharing your story. Losing a child is the most painful thing that I have endured. Reading your story brought a flood of emotions, which is of course normal.

The love between two people is a connection of the spirit which transcends the physical. The body is the medium through which the soul expresses herself and communicates with others. So when death occurs it can only affect the physical body rendering it unfit for the soul's habitation. The soul itself, however, remains unharmed and continues to feel the same love it always had for her near and dear ones. So just as in lifetime if one person felt sad the other is affected as well, so too the same feelings continue after death. Only the soul no longer has the ability to communicate her feelings- Thank you Rabbi Yoinosson Golomb for adding that information. Believe it or not, it is very helpful with healing,

It will be 4 years. It does not get easier. You adopt a new reality.

Reply

Christopher M Hodes Prescott Valley via denverjewishcenter.com February 18, 2020

in response to Katrina Anderson:

It will be 27 years, for us. It does not get easier. You DO adopt a new reality. Reply

Rabbi Yoinosson Golomb Sheffield September 13, 2020

in response to Katrina Anderson:

Hi Katrina

I note that you live in Fort Lauderdale . There is a couple there who also lost a son. He was married and lived in Sheffield UK.

I know because I did the funeral.

I wonder if you could be of mutual support.

You are welcome to be in contact with me for more details.

Yoinosson Reply

Paula Neidorf February 2, 2022

in response to Christopher M Hodes:

I agree. It has been 3 years since we lost our only child, 28. I had just turned 70. We have no grandchildren. Most of our immediate family is gone. Most untimely losses. Most rules of religion have no meaning anymore for me or my husband, and there is no comfort. The new reality is we are alone, with no legacy. Most people do not want to be around us in our pain. It makes them too uncomfortable. We do what we want now, and no longer feel we have to look at Jewish law or custom. I got a tattoo to commemorate my son. We put flowers at his grave because it makes us feel better. No one should ever dictate to a grieving parent. Reply

Helen Furman Johannesburg October 29, 2016

Death of a child How can there ever be closure after the loss of a child! Let's get real here. When you lose a child, a part of you dies. It's as if someone ripped out your heart and left you bleeding - forever. Your world is forever upside down and inside out. Reply

Me Florida August 24, 2016

Ina Moore. Thanks for posting. I feel pain because your girl needed what she needed and now many are sad because of this and she was young. Please know what you know, you are not alone. It is very sad that so many parents joke about weed. Weed is not funny. My son could have gone to college but probably never will. Very sad that drugs are so important to him. I am a sincere person and never want to see children or adult children hurt. Please post where we can help and do more than feel bad and talk to deaf ears. Reply

Helen Fox Herts England July 28, 2015

Next week will be 43 years since the passing of my daughter aged 11 Tracey (Tova) and I have yahrtzeit 25 Av.
Things do not get easy but the hurt dulls, I always said if she had been ill I could have had time with her, Tracey was run over and killed on crossing the road.
I wish all who have lost a child Long Life, my story I remember Tova is on the chabad web site. Reply

ina moore Atlanta georgia June 30, 2015

It has been four years on july second that I lost my Shana to the world of drugs. What a waste of life the youngest of my children so beautiful in and out. I am moving on the best I can for the sake of my other children and a very special grandchild.
My husband passed away four years ago due to years of drinking so the gene was like wildfire in my family. Oh how hard the nights are when I go back and forth did I nor could I have done more. I have been speaking to groups putting drug dealers in jail reported the doctor For giving drugs out like candy. I am not done with this journey. No parent should stand over the grave of their child. Reply

Bruce September 13, 2020

in response to ina moore:

I am very sorry for your loss. My hope is that time has healed at least somewhat.

We lost our beautiful, generous and funny son David from drugs last month. He worked in rehab and helped people like him get the treatment they needed.

Just like the cobbler’s children who had no shoes, David could get the help he needed but didn’t. We thought he was ok. I spoke to him the night before he died and didn’t grasp the enormity of what he faced that night. He was my best friend and was worried about my wife going to the supermarket. We talked every night. Tomorrow is a month since he passed. The thought of not talking to him or seeing him on Earth grows harder and only someone in this awful “club” would understand. Reply

Sheree Greenberg Davie April 3, 2022

in response to Bruce :

My son Jeffrey passed away on January 10, 2022..84 days ago. He had just gotten out of jail for a parole violation on Dec. 21st. I figured he used on the 24th, 3 days later in the middle of the night on the couch, next to the couch my husband had fallen asleep on. In the morning my younger son came into the room & noticed Jeffrey was breathing erratic. They noticed he had vomited and had ingested his vomit. They called 911 & they got him breathing but had to be put on a respirator where he stayed unconscious until Jan 10th when he passed away. He was 45 & suffered with his addiction for over 27 years. I hope he is at peace though I am not. I miss his smiling face, his hugs, his laugh & his caring for everyone. He just didn't care or love himself enough to be able to stop using. My life is so empty. A part of me died when he left me. My heart sometimes does not want to go on. But I know I need to be here for my other 4 adult children & 9 grandchildren. I love you Jeffrey. Reply

Bruce Kimelblatt Belle Mead, New Jersey April 6, 2022

in response to Sheree Greenberg:

In response to Sheree:

I am very sorry for your loss and all the pain you have been through.

Your son was a great person suffering from the disease of addiction. I saw data presented in Vienna at the 1999 World Pain Conference. It proved brains are permanently altered after the first use of opiates. The first time our sons received painkillers (mine in hospital), their brains were changed.

It is not so much a question of how much he loved himself but an insatiable craving, like a thirst for someone needing water. It is worse now since most of what is on the street is deadly fentanyl. A tiny amount like two grains of salt is fatal. That is what my son died from. I hope you find some peace soon and know you are not alone. Reply

Rabbi Yoinosson Golomb Sheffield, UK October 31, 2010

May I add something that the Rebbe wrote to a woman who lost her husband.
The love between two people is a connection of the spirit which transcends the physical. Love does not see wrinkles rather the personality that is within. However the body is the medium through which the soul expresses herself and communicates with others. So when death occurs it can only affect the physical body rendering it unfit for the soul's habitation. The soul itself, however, remains unharmed and continues to feel the same love it always had for her near and dear ones. So just as in lifetime if one person felt sad the other is affected as well, so too the same feelings continue after death. Only the soul no longer has the ability to communicate her feelings. So the sooner the bereaved family can learn to live life again the happier the departed soul will be as she can sense the joy and rejuvenation and feels better because of it. The Rebbe also approved of celebrating a deceased child's birthday. Reply

Helen Johannesburg February 2, 2022

in response to Rabbi Yoinosson Golomb:

Easier said than done. I still feel the same love but the sadness will never go away. Reply

Esther Tauby Richmond , BC/Canada October 29, 2010

First Yartzeit I was sorry to hear that you just observed the first yortzait of your dear child. A year is a very short time when it comes to a terrible loss such as the one you have experienced. I would like to suggest that you have someone you can speak to on a regular basis, a Rabbi or Rebbetzin, a counsellor or close friend. There is also a wonderful non-denominational support group for bereaved parents called the Compassionate Friends that has chapters all over North America. There is a Jewish publication called Our Tapestry which was started by two Jewish bereaved mothers who met a the hospital where their children died. I know that support can help you get through the tough times as I too am a bereaved mother. I hope you find comfort in knowing others care. Reply

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